Uh. No.
Let me tell you why that's an incredibly insulting thing to say.
A few days ago, my friend and I were hanging out and decided on pizza for dinner. Pick up, of course, because it's cheap and we're poor. Ha. So I go to get up from the couch and I discover that I just can't do it.
Nope. Not at all.
About ten minutes earlier, it had taken a great deal of effort and strain, but I'd managed to do it. But this time around, nope, my legs just weren't cooperating.
So I slid off the couch in the hope that I could use the coffee table for support and get up. That didn't work. I tried multiple hand positions, feet positions, shifting weight wherever I could and nothing seemed to work. I couldn't do it.
At this point, I'm looking around the room trying to find something - anything - that I can use to push up off of. I see the stairs, and I know that's my best bet - but it's going to hurt, and it's going to be difficult. I shuffle on my knees (yes, even the one I injured over a year ago that still plays up all the time) to the stairs and I can't do it. I can't even get myself up a single step.
My friend has followed me around the corner and has been offering help the entire time - but the nature of my condition is such that I can't pull on someones arms and stand up. So I have to say no, even though I wish so desperately that perhaps there was some way she could help.
To cut the story short, it took about 26 minutes for me to get up. Yes, 26 minutes from the moment I decided to get up off the couch to the moment I was finally standing up straight again.
My friend witnessed this from start to finish, but she didn't live through it with me.
She didn't feel the throbbing pain of my lower back. She didn't feel the pins and needles in my feet as I struggled on my 17th attempt to get up. She didn't feel the helplessness and shame of being stuck on the floor. She didn't feel the complete lack of strength and the subsequent humiliation that comes with being unable to perform simple tasks.
She saw it, but she didn't live through it.
I have no doubt that it's difficult to watch a loved one struggle. I understand feeling like you want to help but you don't know how.
But see, my struggles aren't yours. My battles aren't yours to fight. I'm not looking for your sympathy, I'm looking for your understanding in knowing that things are difficult and they won't always happen according to your standards.
You are not living my disability with me. Not at all. To say that you are is highly offensive as it completely devalues my own experiences in favour of your own agenda.
And you can't tell me to simply not be offended, or to get over it. Because I've had 20 years of 'you don't understand how hard it is for us to watch you go through this' and I've barely heard people acknowledge how hard it is to actually go through it.
If you're able-bodied, you are privileged. Don't take it for granted.
Am I being selfish? Sure. Probably. But imagine having your experiences and your worth devalued constantly by people around you who feel that they have the right to comment. Now imagine through that for twenty years. Wouldn't you be tired of it?
I sure am.
