"So... can you have sex?"

Time to get awkward, folks, but I assure you this is a conversation that NEEDS to happen.

Chances are, if you're able-bodied, you've never really thought about people with disabilities in relation to sexuality. If you have, you've probably associated with the general idea that people with disabilities have low-to-no sex drive or are overly sexual (entering into inappropriate sexual behaviour territory).

Both of these ideas are highly demeaning.

Think about your own life, and your sexual experience. Whether you're currently sexually active or not, you are aware that you have a right to ownership over your own sex lives. You can choose when to have sex, who with and under what circumstances. You have the right to say no, but you also have the right to say yes.

It is overwhelming how many times people have asked me if I can have sex. While my own experiences are off-limits and there's no way in hell I'm going to discuss that with strangers (much less post about it on my blog), the question alone is insulting at best. Why can't I? What's stopping me?

"Honestly guys, I'm simply paralyzed, I didn't have my vagina sewn shut!" - an article you need to read RIGHT THIS SECOND. Don't finish my post until you're done. I'll wait.  

The only thing that could ever possibly prevent me from a healthy, safe sexual experience is the ignorance and discrimination on the part of able-bodied people who, in one way or another, prevent it from happening.

If you haven't already, I highly recommend watching this episode of Insight on SBS on Demand which focuses solely on sex and disability. Covering issues such as sexual education, consent, access to sex workers and the impact of personal carers assisting with intimate relations, this episode is highly informative and is the perfect conversation starter. 

Conveniently, it is the starter for this conversation, right here in this blog post.

education

Sex education is lacking greatly for people with disabilities. The general assumption is that people with disabilities are incapable of healthy sexual relationships anyway, so there's no point in 'subjecting' them to the information able-bodied people receive. Even so, the sex education that people with disabilities may receive may be unsuitable for them and their needs and/or communication requirements.

Real talk: education is necessary and is vital to successful, intimate relationships and/or sexual experiences for people with disabilities.

Consent is a major issue that some people with disabilities may struggle with. That doesn't mean they are completely incapable of understanding it - it just means that an investment into their education is required. This topic is covered in the Insight episode linked above, which I recommend, as trained psychologists and experts dismantle the public perceptions regarding sex education and the most appropriate means of receiving said education. 

but... how do you do it?

First of all, it's a little creepy to ask ANYONE how they maintain their sexually active lifestyle. Bit gross. Don't ask strangers how they do it. Just don't.

Secondly, in a very general sense, there are a wide range of methods and situations that work for a number of people. I highly recommend reading this VICE article (VICE are usually shit, but not this time) to understand how people with disabilities deal with sex. 

One of the methods mentioned is the use of aids, such as the IntimateRider, which assist people with disabilities with positioning and movement to allow for a more enjoyable experience.  

Given the public perceptions surrounding sex + disability, a number of people with disabilities may find themselves with an appetite for sex that cannot be satisfied through 'regular' means (I use that term incredibly loosely). Thus, they may require the services of a sex worker. This is quite normal within the disabled community, as is simply just another means of satisfying the same basic human urges able-bodied people have and are capable of. 

Before you start commenting on the validity of the use of sex workers' services, think about this - what would you do and how would you feel if you were held back from basic human rights due to the perceptions of others? 

There are so many talking points in regards to sex and disability, and I hope to go in-depth with some of them in future posts. But I hope this post was a useful starting point, and I hope to continue the conversation with my next post, and beyond.

part 2 coming soon...

Where's the middle ground?

"You only got in because they felt sorry for you."

I've heard that statement countless times, but more recently it was used in relation to my work with Indel-ABILITY Arts, a professional theatre company for artists with disability. Of course, in this situation I can laugh it off, because duh, of course I got in because I have a disability. That's a pre-requisite, really. Hats off to you for figuring that one out.

In other situations, though, there's this contradiction that pops up every now and then. It happens when people say "I had no idea you could do ____!" and "Oh, you're amazing! I'm so proud of you!" in the same breath. 

What I've found is that I can never truly be good at something without being tied to the d-word.

I've also found that I can never really tell if I'm good at something because some people will praise me for crap work anyway, because of the d-word.

It's a constant cycle of both infantilisation and degradation. 

The problem is, put simply, a very basic combination of ignorance and a lack of education. Able-bodied people with no direct exposure to people with disabilities tend to respond with either disgust or an over-the-top 'OMG I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT YOU COULD EVER POSSIBLY ACHIEVE THIS THING THAT YOU JUST DID WOW HERE'S A MEDAL!!!!1!1!'. There's no middle ground.

During my teenage years, I was constantly seeking validation that I was okay. I didn't want endless praise and I didn't want endless disgust. I just wanted to know that, as a human, I was alright. 

But between teachers at school, parents of friends, other adults I came into contact with, it was almost impossible for me to feel like any interaction was genuine or based solely on merit without being influenced by the d-word. 

It's really difficult having your weaknesses reinforced and your achievements exaggerated on a daily basis. The contradiction was always hard to take. I never knew if I had achieved something because I'd done well, or because someone, somewhere, didn't know how to respond so they just... put things in my favour.

I still struggle with knowing where my skills or talents lie, purely because I remember feeling like the feedback I received during high school always had an asterisk at the end. You know. Linking to a bunch of hidden text at the bottom of the page. A disclaimer, if you will, that the grade I received was an A***

***but only because you tried your best and who cares if it wasn't good, you didn't offend anyone, so here you go Cripple! Feel good about yourself today!

I started working with Indel-ABILITY and I love it so much, I could probably talk about it all day long. But particularly in the early days, I had to battle with hearing notes and adjusting appropriately. I heard 'that was great! keep that!' but my mind would automatically hear the disclaimer saying 'we're just telling you that it was great so that we can keep going, but we don't really like it, we'll just have to go with that because it's the best you can do'. On the flip side, I would hear corrections in my head and think 'they're realising that I have no skills or talents and they just picked me because I was available and now they're regretting it because I'm so shit and I have nothing to offer'. 

No middle ground.

Over the past few months, as my mental health has improved, I've been slowly trying to unlearn this type of behaviour. But I'll always struggle with it, I think, as long as able-bodied people around me continue to squish us people with disabilities into one of two boxes.

There is no 'one-size fits all' when it comes to disabilities. You can't judge someone's ability or their worth based on their symptoms. 

So, if there's one thing you take away from this post, let it be this:

If you're talking to someone with a disability, be genuine. Be considerate. Be kind. 

Don't say anything you don't mean and please, I beg you, please don't make assumptions and comment based on those.

If you want to pay a compliment, a simple 'you did great!' is much more meaningful than a 'you did great! I had no idea you could do that! Did that hurt? You're so inspiring.' 

And if you're ever unsure, just ask. It doesn't take that much effort to get a new perspective.



Shoutout to Catarina Hebbard and Rebecca Roberts, co-artistic directors of Indel-ABILITY. They've been so good to me with their leadership and training. I'm a better person and a better performer for knowing and working with them.