Where's the middle ground?

"You only got in because they felt sorry for you."

I've heard that statement countless times, but more recently it was used in relation to my work with Indel-ABILITY Arts, a professional theatre company for artists with disability. Of course, in this situation I can laugh it off, because duh, of course I got in because I have a disability. That's a pre-requisite, really. Hats off to you for figuring that one out.

In other situations, though, there's this contradiction that pops up every now and then. It happens when people say "I had no idea you could do ____!" and "Oh, you're amazing! I'm so proud of you!" in the same breath. 

What I've found is that I can never truly be good at something without being tied to the d-word.

I've also found that I can never really tell if I'm good at something because some people will praise me for crap work anyway, because of the d-word.

It's a constant cycle of both infantilisation and degradation. 

The problem is, put simply, a very basic combination of ignorance and a lack of education. Able-bodied people with no direct exposure to people with disabilities tend to respond with either disgust or an over-the-top 'OMG I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT YOU COULD EVER POSSIBLY ACHIEVE THIS THING THAT YOU JUST DID WOW HERE'S A MEDAL!!!!1!1!'. There's no middle ground.

During my teenage years, I was constantly seeking validation that I was okay. I didn't want endless praise and I didn't want endless disgust. I just wanted to know that, as a human, I was alright. 

But between teachers at school, parents of friends, other adults I came into contact with, it was almost impossible for me to feel like any interaction was genuine or based solely on merit without being influenced by the d-word. 

It's really difficult having your weaknesses reinforced and your achievements exaggerated on a daily basis. The contradiction was always hard to take. I never knew if I had achieved something because I'd done well, or because someone, somewhere, didn't know how to respond so they just... put things in my favour.

I still struggle with knowing where my skills or talents lie, purely because I remember feeling like the feedback I received during high school always had an asterisk at the end. You know. Linking to a bunch of hidden text at the bottom of the page. A disclaimer, if you will, that the grade I received was an A***

***but only because you tried your best and who cares if it wasn't good, you didn't offend anyone, so here you go Cripple! Feel good about yourself today!

I started working with Indel-ABILITY and I love it so much, I could probably talk about it all day long. But particularly in the early days, I had to battle with hearing notes and adjusting appropriately. I heard 'that was great! keep that!' but my mind would automatically hear the disclaimer saying 'we're just telling you that it was great so that we can keep going, but we don't really like it, we'll just have to go with that because it's the best you can do'. On the flip side, I would hear corrections in my head and think 'they're realising that I have no skills or talents and they just picked me because I was available and now they're regretting it because I'm so shit and I have nothing to offer'. 

No middle ground.

Over the past few months, as my mental health has improved, I've been slowly trying to unlearn this type of behaviour. But I'll always struggle with it, I think, as long as able-bodied people around me continue to squish us people with disabilities into one of two boxes.

There is no 'one-size fits all' when it comes to disabilities. You can't judge someone's ability or their worth based on their symptoms. 

So, if there's one thing you take away from this post, let it be this:

If you're talking to someone with a disability, be genuine. Be considerate. Be kind. 

Don't say anything you don't mean and please, I beg you, please don't make assumptions and comment based on those.

If you want to pay a compliment, a simple 'you did great!' is much more meaningful than a 'you did great! I had no idea you could do that! Did that hurt? You're so inspiring.' 

And if you're ever unsure, just ask. It doesn't take that much effort to get a new perspective.



Shoutout to Catarina Hebbard and Rebecca Roberts, co-artistic directors of Indel-ABILITY. They've been so good to me with their leadership and training. I'm a better person and a better performer for knowing and working with them.